Pseudo Recovery

No one ever tells you just how hard recovery will be. The constant tug of war in your mind, that constant little voice in your head screaming at you every time you choose recovery. No one actually tells you or prepares you for the fight that you are about to enter when you say "yes" …

I don’t get it

What do you do when you have all this pent up emotion that you don't know what to do with? I'm so sad and so angry all the time anymore and I just can't seem to get my bearings underneath of me these last couple of weeks. I legit feel like I'm losing my mind …

I quit.

I quit. I fucking quit. I can't do recovery. It's just made me fat. I haven't been this fat for this long ever and I just fucking quit. I genuinely feel like recovery is stupid and its' only point is to make you fat. My treatment team says to trust the process, it's just water …

9/10/2021

I wish I could say I was productive today, but I wasn't. I slept in, had therapy, and then lounged around all day watching tv and listening to audio books. I had intentions of cutting the grass, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and getting the dishes done, but I didn't. Instead I ordered way too …

10 minute journal #2

10 minute journal #2 I hate feeling like I HAVE to write, I mean it's hard enough to get in touch with my emotions, let alone to have to do it on the spot. But I guess I'll start with the beginning of today. I stayed up late last night because I didn't have to …

10 minute journal #1

New therapy assignment. Write for ten minutes, preferably about feelings, without judgement. So not really sure what to say when I'm forced to write. It's weird truthfully. I've been on track, well as much as I can be on track with food. I haven't purged in two days now, but I have been restricting. I …

Spiraling

I can't do this anymore, keep feeling this heartache. You know, the type that you literally feel your heart shatter and break. I did once when H left 6 years ago and somehow now, I have to put the pieces back together from T. T was the first one since H that I let myself …

Consequences

I woke up this morning bloated, tired, and like I had ate an entire container of salt right before bed. A weekend of purging and my body says nope we aint doing this no more.. get it together. I'm supposed to go over to my family's today. It's obvious what I've been doing all weekend. …

Hello September

You would think that by 31 I would have it all together. I wouldn't still be struggling with bulimia, I wouldn't be so goddamn depressed and anxious all the fucking time.. ohh and I wouldn't miss a week of work because I couldn't get out of bed either.. Yep.. that happened this week.. you read …

I’m Angry

It's a quarter till 10 tonight and I'm struggling to stay a float. It's been 51 days since I last purged, which is really impressive, but at the same time it's been incredibly hard. I haven't gone this long, this consistently maybe in over a decade, longer if you count other behaviors. Truth be told, …