It’s a quarter till 10 tonight and I’m struggling to stay a float. It’s been 51 days since I last purged, which is really impressive, but at the same time it’s been incredibly hard. I haven’t gone this long, this consistently maybe in over a decade, longer if you count other behaviors. Truth be told, I’m not sure how much more I have in me. It’s building and it’s building fast.
Part of it is that I’m just angry. I’m angry that I’m still single. I’m angry that I don’t have a family of my own. I’m angry that I’m not good enough for any of the guys I’ve dated or that I’m too much for all of them. I’m angry that I keep having intrusive thoughts of past traumas and nightmares of things that I can’t control. I’m angry that I was robbed of a childhood and of a normal upbringing. I’m angry that I had to grow up way too fast and I’m angry that I didn’t protect my brother like I thought I did. I’m angry at myself for being a fuck up and I’m angry that at 31 I still don’t have my shit together. I’m just really fucking angry and I’m angry that I’m all alone.
Thick Girl Diaries 