Beautiful Girl

Little girl not so little anymore- grew up a long time ago.You want to be thin, you say it'll bring you pure happiness, but will it really?Don't you remember how it destroyed your life, change your personality, and controlled everything you thought you once controlled?You will no longer be who you are, you'll be a …

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I didn't eat anything all day until I went over to my parents' house for the cookout and then, BAAMMM! I had a handful of veggies, two veggie kabobs, some watermelon, 1/2 serv of chips, 2 tbs potato salad, and a bite of chicken. I felt so guilty that after Justin and I got back …

1:10 in the fucking AM

The tv's fucking blaring in barb's room, justin's snoring a fucking amazon rainforest down and hogging the whole bed, the thunder is roaring, and I can't fucking sleep. I'm exhausted- all I want to do is fucking sleep!

I'm not too sure what I'm doing. I think I'm in control and yet, well... I loose control as soon as I step foot into the kitchen and take ONE freaking bit of food. I binge hardcore only to get interrupted, so I continue with the binge when everyone's gone and fast asleep. No one …

AHHHHHH!!!!!!! I can't stop eating. I'm down 5lbs for the week and I have to keep it that way! No food tomorrow. NONE. Coffee and water ONLY. I don't know what's keeping me from not throwing up this food that I just shoveled in my mouth- it's just sitting right there in my throat. I …

Barb left. Started binging. Justin's on his way over which means I can't finish the binge. I can't get rid of what I just ate b/c he's in the drive way right now as I type he's walking up to the door. I'm freaking out and all I want to do is keep eatin gand …

Tornados…

Yesterday was quite the day for multiple reasons. Main reason being I saw a REAL tornado- FREAKY as ALL HELL! I wasn't home, thank God! Because the tornado came down my street and pretty much killed everything in it's path, but the house and yard was left untouched and so was half the street- God …

Tell me why do I even bother to care anymore.... My parents are never going to be able to provide what I've been wanting from them my entire life- acceptance. They're never going to pick up the phone and call or even be excited to hear from me, so why do I put myself through …

THIS IS NOT OKAY BEING FAT! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! FUCK  being "healthy"- UGH!

I've had a couple freak outs in the last few weeks, I've went back to a couple old ways, but I never really relapsed, rather just entertained some of the thoughts, started smoking again, and increased my drinking to deal with some stress. Actually it's kind of more than just 'some stress', it's actually more …