New therapy assignment. Write for ten minutes, preferably about feelings, without judgement.
So not really sure what to say when I’m forced to write. It’s weird truthfully. I’ve been on track, well as much as I can be on track with food. I haven’t purged in two days now, but I have been restricting. I keep restricting to not purge though. In all reality it’s the same loop and I eventually end up purging. Like tonight, I really wanted to, but I didn’t. I ended up eating a lean cuisine, half a reese’s, half a can of diet sprite, a serving of veggie straws, and a few cubes of cheddar cheese. I’m frustrated and I feel like I ruined my day with eating so late.
Yesterday, I allowed myself to be vulnerable with P yesterday and to be honest, it was too much to deal with. Too many emotions, too much anger, and sadness. Everything felt like a chore. Even today felt like a chore.. I’m just tired. Like tired all the fucking time regardless of how much sleep I get. If I’m being honest, I think I should take a leave of absence from work, just until I can get myself together, but if I don’t work I don’t get paid so it’s not an option at this moment. I’m finding it harder to be able to focus on what people have to say, it’s not me. I’m not me and I haven’t been for a while now. It’s upsetting to me because I worked so hard to get where I’m at and I feel like I’m just blowing it big time right now. Idk.
I just feel lost and like I just keep spinning. On one hand I’m numb, but I’m just exhausted. And on the other hand, I’m so fucking sad I can’t get out of my head. Ohh and then there’s those times I’m so anxious that I legit can’t even function. Today was more of a I’m numb and exhausted for no reason day sprinkled with some moderate anxiety here and there. I just wish for once in my life I could be normal.
Thick Girl Diaries 